Posted on: 22nd of May 2005 | Under: Thoughts & Emotions
My birthday is closing in once again. Every year I find myself pondering over how old I’m getting. Twenty two. I cannot believe I’m already turning 22!
Ok, I’ve been aware for some time that I am actually getting old. A handful of my friends are already out in the real world, settling into their own respective careers. There are some that have moved out of their parents’ house and have started living on their own. There are also those who have marched down the aisle into married-hood.
I was tossing and turning in bed last night. I was restless and I couldn’t get myself to sleep. I found myself pondering over what the future would be like: all the responsibiities that I’ll be faced with. I have to admit that it frightens me a little. What if I things don’t turn out the way I imagine and wish them to be? What if I suddenly wake up and realize that all I ever worked for is not what I really want in life?
Then I realized, there are times when I really do worry too much! I should just let things happen for themselves. Let things fall into place. If they don’t turn out the way I planned, then that’s fine. It won’t be the end of the world. I’ll just have to deal with it then. I should just savour and enjoy my life right now, because I’m confident that I will get through whatever life-bump hits me along the way. Besides, I’ve always believed that He doesn’t burden us with problems we cannot handle. =)
Posted on: 5th of May 2005 | Under: Thoughts & Emotions
I am fragile.
It’s a fact that I’ve known pretty much the entire of my almost-22 years of existence. Yes, the girl who claims herself to be the most optimistic person alive, worries and gets affected easily with what others say about her.
I worry. I cry. I get hurt.
What others say or do to me may stir and affect me more than anyone can imagine. Trickles of tears running down my face can quickly replace a happy look. A cry baby, that’s what I’ve always been. I find my feelings getting hurt, even by the most petty and mundane things. Admittedly, I am sensitive towards almost everything.
I have blinded those around me by hiding behind a mask of smiles. I may always seem jolly and perky, but a lot of times I’m really just forced to put on a carefree aura just to make everyone think that I’m okay. I fool people with my smiles and bouts of laughter, just so they won’t see how deeply hurt and bruised I am. Behind everything, what I am is just a girl who often sinks into a deep hole of depression. A hole so deep that sometimes it is a wonder how I would manage to lift myself out of it.
People perceive me as someone strong. Someone who’s always ready to take on any life bump or challenge with open arms. Yes, I can claim that I am just that, but before the optimism rubs in on me, I worry and become afraid. Only a handful of people know how weak I am. Only a handful know that before I become the strong person that everyone sees me as, I must be assured of warmth and security that everything will be okay. It is no wonder that I find myself clinging on to people around me: my strength would never be built without their help.
I am fragile and I am weak. I seek the help of others to build my inner strength. I know that’s not necessarily bad. It simply proves one thing - I am human.
Posted on: 8th of July 2004 | Under: Thoughts & Emotions
- from Paulo Coelho’s novel - 11 minutes
Shopping indeed has some therapeutic effect. For a minute you forget that you spent the previous night restless in bed with a million questions bothering you. You forget that your nose is blocked up and your eyes swollen too.
There’s just something about walking around the mall that helps take you away from the confusion you’re going through. Going through each rack in every shop makes it seem as if everything’s alright. For a minute, you forget everything. But when you’re finally on your way home, armed with only your thoughts, you are pulled back to reality and realize that things aren’t really fine.
I should probably drag myself to the mall tomorrow. I need another minute spent away from reality.
Posted on: 8th of February 2004 | Under: Thoughts & Emotions
People say that I’m moody. They say that my emotions can shift from one pole to the opposite, in just a couple of minutes.
I won’t object to their claim, because I myself know that I am moody. One minute I can be boisterously laughing out loud, and the next, I can be looking all irritable and gloomy. It’s somewhat ironic, really. I am pretty easy to please. A simple gesture will get me smiling all day. But yes, my mood changes negatively just as fast too.
Why the fickle mood swings? I have yet to understand it myself.
Maybe it’s just the fact that I expect a lot from people that most of time I get disappointed if those expectations aren’t met. I even remember talking to Nikz about it some months ago, and she mentioned the same thing. There’s really no use in expecting people to act or treat you the way you want them to, because there are chances that you’ll just get frustrated in the end.
My being sensitive adds up to my being moody too, perhaps. Even the simplest things get me annoyed. I guess I just take a lot of things seriously. Which isn’t always good.
I know that it’s not right to demand too much from people. Everyone can’t be exactly the way you want them to be. And yeh, that shouldn’t be used as an excuse to get all moody either.
Err… maybe it’s just the effect of every woman’s “monthly visit.” XP haha!
Anyway, we spent my late grandpa’s death Anniversary today. Check out the pics here! ^_,~;;
Posted on: 6th of July 2003 | Under: Thoughts & Emotions
A lot of people think and claim that intelligence is only measured by the highest score in an exam, how many books one has read, being able to memorize a book from cover to cover or becoming a walking dictionary. I certainly don’t believe in that a hundred percent.
Yes, doing good academically will carry you far in life, but for me, intelligence is more of how you deal with your life and what you make out of it. That realization came to me after chatting with an old friend a couple of weeks ago.
You may be ubberly smart when it comes to books. You may be able to discuss intelectual matters in different subjects with ease. But, can you really be called intelligent in life when, at the same time, you repeatedly make the same mistakes over and over? Or when you choose to do things even if you know well that they’re wrong? Or when you speak tactlessly about another person, hurting their feelings in the process? What about when you ask for people’s advices? You know that they are right and it is best to follow what they say, yet you choose to remain stuborn and go your own way.
Intelligence for me is beyond what one can learn from books. It is what a person acquires from the different experiences he goes through in life. It is being wise in how you deal with situations and doing the right and just thing when it comes to making decisions. Intelligence is being able to mingle with different people and being careful not to make harsh and tactless comments that may hurt others.
You’re probably not the smartest person according to your GPA or your IQ result, but if you know well how to deal with your everyday quest, then you’re probably the most intelligent person alive. ^_,~;;
Anyway, to snap out of my deep thinking, I’ve been extremely busy lately. First week of classes and we’ve already been greeted with a stack of work to do. Sometimes I’m even haunted by too much thinking of school work.
The other night, I was in bed thinking for hours about the work I needed to do. I was mentnlly trying to divide my time between all four of my subjetcs. I ended up muddling up my thoughts and thinking of all of my subjects at one time. Sometimes I wonder when my mind will be able to take a rest from all of this. I’m actually glad that I was able to squeeze blogging today.
After this, yes, I’ll be going back to school work. *sigh* A year and a half of hard work, it will be, but I know I’ll get through it. I just have to remain focused. ^_^
A page from my Design and Communication coursework, back when I did my IGCSE’s. I had to design the bottle, logo and display stand for a perfume.
Another page from my coursework. This is actually the time when I started having sleepless nights. I was extremely overjoyed when I got my final result though. My teacher had predicted that I’d get a C for the whole course, but when the Universiy of Cambridge sent back our grades, I got an A! ^^;;
My cabinet of art supplies and drafting materials is getting a little crowded already. I need a bigger storage space for them!
Aww, lookie, Jewelle suprised me a couple of days ago with this late birthday gift. A tall coffee mug with “Princess” written on it. ;) I love it! I can surely use it when I have to stay up doing plates. ^_,~:;
Posted on: 26th of May 2003 | Under: Thoughts & Emotions
Do people think of you as someone who’s higly fickle? Someone who has two sides in her personality and whose interests are both the extremes of contradicting things? I think I am.
I was lying in bed earlier and realized that my personality has two sides of everything. I love the outdoors and going out. I love hanging out with friends and going out dancing, but, at the same time, I’m a homebody. I love staying home, lazing and bumming around. I’m also perceived as someone loud, bubbly and hyper. That’s highly true, but I’m also quite shy. I can sit among a group of people and remain quiet.
I’m also someone who’s very playful. Someone who loves to laugh and act silly. Someone who chooses not to worry too much about the future and take things by the day. But, a lot of times I’m also the serious type. Someone who thinks too much. Someone who’s as much of a worry wart even if she claims that she is not.
Contradicting, don’t you reckon? I guess that brings out the Gemini in me. I’m indeed someone who’s fickle and has two personalities. Sometimes it’s hard coping with such personality. I end up battling with myself deciding what I really want. But then again, it can be good because at least it balances things. ^^;;
Anyway, I went out with Steph, Jewelle and Marlon on Saturday. We haven’t seen much of eachother since summer started, so it was great hanging out with them. We just met up in school to pick up our old plates then headed off to Galleria for a Japanese lunch. We just killed time, fooling around the mall before we headed off to Cubao for Jewelle’s violin lessons. hehe. Ok, so we didn’t have to tag along with Marlon and her for her lessons, but Steph and I had nothing better to do, so yeh. ^_^ Steph and I just roamed around the department store and talked over some ice cream while waiting. ;)
We got some neoprints at Galleria too…
back: Jewelle and Marlon.
front: Steph (right) and I (left)
a semi-candid shot of the 4 of us.
(songs I’m loving right now)
* “Times Like These” -acoustic- by the Foo Fighters.
* “Half-Life” by Duncan Sheik.
* “Blinded” by Third Eye Blind.
Anna. 25. 
