Posts Tagged ‘inner thoughts’
Birthday Blues
Posted on: 22nd of May 2005 | Under: Thoughts & Emotions

My birthday is closing in once again. Every year I find myself pondering over how old I’m getting. Twenty two. I cannot believe I’m already turning 22!

Ok, I’ve been aware for some time that I am actually getting old. A handful of my friends are already out in the real world, settling into their own respective careers. There are some that have moved out of their parents’ house and have started living on their own. There are also those who have marched down the aisle into married-hood.

I was tossing and turning in bed last night. I was restless and I couldn’t get myself to sleep. I found myself pondering over what the future would be like: all the responsibiities that I’ll be faced with. I have to admit that it frightens me a little. What if I things don’t turn out the way I imagine and wish them to be? What if I suddenly wake up and realize that all I ever worked for is not what I really want in life?

Then I realized, there are times when I really do worry too much! I should just let things happen for themselves. Let things fall into place. If they don’t turn out the way I planned, then that’s fine. It won’t be the end of the world. I’ll just have to deal with it then. I should just savour and enjoy my life right now, because I’m confident that I will get through whatever life-bump hits me along the way. Besides, I’ve always believed that He doesn’t burden us with problems we cannot handle. =)

I Am Human
Posted on: 5th of May 2005 | Under: Thoughts & Emotions

I am fragile.

It’s a fact that I’ve known pretty much the entire of my almost-22 years of existence. Yes, the girl who claims herself to be the most optimistic person alive, worries and gets affected easily with what others say about her.

I worry. I cry. I get hurt.

What others say or do to me may stir and affect me more than anyone can imagine. Trickles of tears running down my face can quickly replace a happy look. A cry baby, that’s what I’ve always been. I find my feelings getting hurt, even by the most petty and mundane things. Admittedly, I am sensitive towards almost everything.

I have blinded those around me by hiding behind a mask of smiles. I may always seem jolly and perky, but a lot of times I’m really just forced to put on a carefree aura just to make everyone think that I’m okay. I fool people with my smiles and bouts of laughter, just so they won’t see how deeply hurt and bruised I am. Behind everything, what I am is just a girl who often sinks into a deep hole of depression. A hole so deep that sometimes it is a wonder how I would manage to lift myself out of it.

People perceive me as someone strong. Someone who’s always ready to take on any life bump or challenge with open arms. Yes, I can claim that I am just that, but before the optimism rubs in on me, I worry and become afraid. Only a handful of people know how weak I am. Only a handful know that before I become the strong person that everyone sees me as, I must be assured of warmth and security that everything will be okay. It is no wonder that I find myself clinging on to people around me: my strength would never be built without their help.

I am fragile and I am weak. I seek the help of others to build my inner strength. I know that’s not necessarily bad. It simply proves one thing – I am human.

I Am A Woman
Posted on: 8th of July 2004 | Under: Thoughts & Emotions
“I am a woman and I am fragile.”
– from Paulo Coelho’s novel – 11 minutes
That should speak for itself.

Shopping indeed has some therapeutic effect. For a minute you forget that you spent the previous night restless in bed with a million questions bothering you. You forget that your nose is blocked up and your eyes swollen too.

There’s just something about walking around the mall that helps take you away from the confusion you’re going through. Going through each rack in every shop makes it seem as if everything’s alright. For a minute, you forget everything. But when you’re finally on your way home, armed with only your thoughts, you are pulled back to reality and realize that things aren’t really fine.

I should probably drag myself to the mall tomorrow. I need another minute spent away from reality.

Mood Swings
Posted on: 8th of February 2004 | Under: Thoughts & Emotions

People say that I’m moody. They say that my emotions can shift from one pole to the opposite, in just a couple of minutes.

I won’t object to their claim, because I myself know that I am moody. One minute I can be boisterously laughing out loud, and the next, I can be looking all irritable and gloomy. It’s somewhat ironic, really. I am pretty easy to please. A simple gesture will get me smiling all day. But yes, my mood changes negatively just as fast too.

Why the fickle mood swings? I have yet to understand it myself.

Maybe it’s just the fact that I expect a lot from people that most of time I get disappointed if those expectations aren’t met. I even remember talking to Nikz about it some months ago, and she mentioned the same thing. There’s really no use in expecting people to act or treat you the way you want them to, because there are chances that you’ll just get frustrated in the end.

My being sensitive adds up to my being moody too, perhaps. Even the simplest things get me annoyed. I guess I just take a lot of things seriously. Which isn’t always good.

I know that it’s not right to demand too much from people. Everyone can’t be exactly the way you want them to be. And yeh, that shouldn’t be used as an excuse to get all moody either.

Err… maybe it’s just the effect of every woman’s “monthly visit.” XP haha!

Anyway, we spent my late grandpa’s death Anniversary today. Check out the pics here! ^_,~;;